I have been there

Last Tuesday was a very sad and painful day for  Bella. Her beloved mother passed away - And my tears fell easily because I totally feel her.


I settled my things at the office and quickly made my way to her house. I arrived just as the kapan cloth on the jenazah's face was loosen for relatives to take the final look. I tell you, the moment I saw her and the surrounding, my tears fell and my heart cried painfully. She and her sisters and their brothers were all in tears. Everybody was holding everybody else. They were sobbing. In fact every body else - neighbors, relatives and friends were in tears. So I pun apa lagi - berjujuran air mata :(,  (they and I were in tears because of the scene in front of us). 


I hugged Bella and she uttered, "mak aku dah takada Da. mak aku dah takda Da" over and over. I hold her tight and how I wish I could absorb that pain - the unbearable indescribable feelings - pain beyond imagination my friends (if you have not lost a parent, a spouse or a child, you wont understand it) = dont ever underestimate it.


How do I say this Bell? I may not that very good with saying things (you know me right?, you once said that I write so nice but I dont talk nice :)). But I perfectly, 200% understand what you are going through. And I know it is hard. And the worse is yet to come, dear. It is horrible excruciatingly painful feeling that does not get any better with each passing day. There will be times when you just cry at night. There will be excruciating moments when you heart fills with so much agony. There will be a day when tears come streaming down your face, they will be a night when you are just wailing and sobbing. But you will be ok. Just hang on there.


I learn by now that having my parents around- bedridden for years (or NOT) is thousand times better than not having them around at all . Our parents presence in this world in whatever situation (sick or healthy, blind or deaf, awake or asleep, sane or senile) is million times better. Them being so far away, but alive feels zillion times better. Because when their presence is no more solid or tangible  that is the moment when your inside is breaking into pieces. Hanya kerana Allah, kita kuat, only because of Allah we manage to move on, hanya kerana Allah, hanya kerana Allah, the utmost kind , the most loving and merciful


Bell, her death is not the end, you know, we still have time Bell, we have time to present them with amal jariah and duas and hadiah ayat ayat Allah. Do more and do it as often as you can and may all these duas and zikir  reaches them and may it make them at ease and comfortable. Waste no more time Bell, this is our time. This is it sebelum kita pula pergi. We have to do a lot of that. We just have to. 


I like to pray  for their grave to be warm at night, bright sunny but not hot during the day (funny yes, but I like to think it that way though), kubur yang lapang dan terang. Dan moga urusan mereka di padang masyar (satu ketika nanti) dipermudahkan, tidak lapar, tidak dahaga, tidak penat, dan  mendapat rahmat Allah melimpah ruah  sampai berjaya melintasi jambatan sampai ke syurga. 


And you know what I find funny?  that I am so SO HAPPY to know that I have a sister who died at the age of 7 days. I pray that she helps my parents and take great care of them. I pray, begging for my sister that I have not known for my entire life to be reunited with my parents,  so she can accompany them and make them safe.


Insane or not but that is  what that makes me OK. I like to wait for them every Friday (starting from waktu maghrib on Thursday) on my sajadah because in my heart I just know that they are here, visiting me. So I recite a little bit more on Friday night, I lengthen my doa a bit more, I salawat and zikir a bit more so that I can hadiahkan (bukan sedekahkan) to them. I know that I was not a good daughter, I was far from obedient, never love them enough, never took care of them thoroughly. I was hina, daif  yet still I pray that hadiah I yang tak seberapa ini mereka terima. And I know that Allah is the utmost kind. Maha Mengasihani so I ask for that, kasihanilah kasihanilah hambamu ini maha suci Allah, may all my duas and hadiah reaches them safely, tak berkurang tak tercicir. So I sit and I wait and I wait and I pray duas for them. Because  that the only things that keep me sane.


Do that Bella, and may it helps you as much as it has helped me


And, I know you. SO irregardless of what you believe,-  this is true, you have taken care of her so well, you have provided her  a more comfortable place/home to live,  you have put her needs first, you have fed her,  you have lifted her up and carried her to toilet, you have cleaned her, and you have made time to bring her to dialysis and all. You really have done a lot and you are indeed have done the right things and much much more than me (to my parents). But because we are their daughters/children, we will never DO enough. Because we can never repay them. But trust me my dear, you have done all the best that you (sebagai anak) should or must do. You have done it. Feel no sadness my friend, feel no guilt, let her go - dengan redha, tanpa rasa terkilan tanpa rasa bersalah, let her go. You have done it - I know you


And you are with her all the way until her last breath = that a privilege dear, trust me it is a privilege. I did not get that privilege. I was not around when my mum died and I found my dad when he was no more breathing.Do you know how LUCKY you are  Bell, for that "privilege". How I wish that I could just rewind all and be in the moment. How I wish if I could just be there .. how I long  to be there  but Allah planned it differently for me and I redha. Like Nur said, dan bersabarlah ...  kerana Allah, dan bersabarlah ....hang on there my friend....

LoVE

ER MA YUM