Hadiah untuk mereka dan mereka

Salam

Selalu kita dengar cikgu, ustaz cakap hadiah kan pada simati - pada mak ayah yang telah tiada cuma baru baru dah tua tua ni dengar and makin kerap terdengar lately bila mereka kata hadiahkan juga pada yang hidup- Ayah yang masih hidup- Mak yang masih hidup- hadiah kan pada ruh mereka- pada jiwa mereka- supaya mereka sentiasa kuat dan sejahtera, sentiasa dalam rahmat dan kasih Allah hingga akhir hayat- Tidak terhad pada mak ayah, pada suami, pada anak anak, hadiahkan Al Fatihah untuk mereka setiap hari juga, moga ruh dan jiwa mereka kuat menghadapi kehidupan. Bukan pada roh yang jasadnya telah tiada- tetapi pada roh yang jasad nya masih hidup di depan  mata.
Kalau dah tiada, semestinya lah lagi berlebih lebih doa dan hadiah. *sepatutnya tidak terbalik*.  Jangan lupa "AlFatihah" walau macam mana nak cepat sekali pun -walau kesuntukan masa sekalipun.

It has become my routine. If I did not do it, something is really wrong and I will feel so bad,  it is compulsory already, kalau ada masa sorang satu, kalau tak sempat, sekali baca, but dalam hati I always know that Allah lebih mengetahui, I mean well- Kasih Allah Maha luas- bagi pada sekalian kehidupan dan alam masih tidak berkurang. Selalu lupa masa cuti solat but if remember, I would recite one dalam hati before sleeping. Untung badan dapat jumpa dalam mimpi :) :(.

moga Acha bagi saya hadiah ayat ayat Allah jua nanti

Kalau ada masa yang lebih, bacalah yassin. Kalau tak banyak masa, but ada sedikit lebih :) baca lah surah surah sedikit pendek yang lain. Antara surah surah yang dapat menolong kita dikubur - 7 surah yang start dgn "Haa Mim" one of them Al Dukhan, 2 helai ja - tak pun baca surah surah lain yang tak berapa panjang juga- Macam Al Mulk - tidak berapa panjang juga - *sekadar berkongsi* bagus baca untuk diri sendiri tapi saya baca untuk hadiah juga kadang kadang- Moga menjadi lampu mereka di kubur sepi. Saya mohon kasih dan belas Allah moga sampai.

harapan yang sama pada Dina

Know well my dearest, that kebaikan hidup kita ini partially is berbuat baik kepada parents - so if you have four of them (include mak pak mentua) or two or one, berbuat baik lah- BERBUAT BAIK LAH -  BERBUAT BAIK LAH- jangan BERKIRA because when they are gone - you dont have that opportunity anymore- and PARTIAL of your kebaikan diri also gone-. Luangkan sedikit masa untuk berjumpa, sedikit masa untuk call bertanya khabar, sedikit jajan sebagai buah tangan, dan sedikit angpow sebagai mencari berkat rezeki kita.

I am left with only a partial of nilai kebaikan diri-  no matter how angelic I behave and act - that will only be partial of my kebaikan - if there are any. But ada ke?

                                 

Sekadar berkata kata......

ps:
Semalam itu bagai mimpi, betul ke ada semalam?  - ada yang indah ada yang ngeri-
Esok belum pasti - Masih adakah esok ? and Today is not even real.

Dream and Reality

Sometimes you dream of something but you cant recall it when you wake up. Something is something but you dont know what it is.

I passed by a "photo shop" d other day. Then I remember that the night after I dreamt of my mum, I saw my dad, on the following night. No I did nt meet him. I saw him in a photo. A photo that used to be hanged on my wall.  A photo of him on the Kalapata Mount, Nepal. I sent that photo to "the photo shop" months ago to have its frame replaced (with a better frame) and for the photo to be laminated so that it wont get dirty.

Atuk and Dina

It is high time now to go the shop and get the photo back.

Thank you for the reminder, dream.

Dream Four

Salam

My mum came into my sleep in d early morning hours today. It has been months since her last visit (does nt matter if it is only in a dream).

I woke up (in my dream) and found out the front door was ajar. Did nt I close d door last night? And when I looked outside, there she was. Tengah sidai baju :). I said, hi where have you ve been? She answered, I was in Malacca. Then I said, baguslah ibu da balik, dah dekat 2 bulan Qayyum duk tadika full day (sebab maidless) hiks :). Then we went about preparing the children for school, sending them boarding the bus and I actually sempat pindah pindah alih furniture with her before the dream faded away.

Hmm nice meeting you mum.

Ps
People say that dream is a reflection of ourselves. Mimpi yang happy or jumpa orang happy, maknanya kita yang happy. So I mimpi my mum datang masa masa sibuk and kelam kabut gini - meaning I need helppppppppppp :) maid bila kamu boleh masuk Mesia yeahhh?

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A Year Passes On

15th Jan of last year, last day of my life having tea break with my dad - He said sedap pie biscuist ni, hmm sedap banana cake ni. I told him that it was given by my dear friend Zarin sweet sour, the blogger.

16th Jan of last year was the last day we sat for dinner. We bought jagung and stall food from the night market. I remember he ate a lot. That night, he and my hub went for a massage in Shah Alam. They come back late at night and my dad insisted on going back to his house. I found it strange but I dismissed it as "telatah orang tua"

The next morning, 17th Jan of last year, I saw him coming to my house very early in the morning. Another strange feeling crept in. Malam tadi balik, ni pagi pagi dah muncul. "Hmm naper pagi dah jalan Pa", he said "sajaaaa". He then sat down to have his breakfast and chit-chat with Jenny . There was it - the foreboding feeling that something was not right and there was a feeling of wanting to hug him for no reasons. I ignored both and proceeded to work.

18th Jan of last year, I did not see him at all for one whole day and night. Thinking of calling him at midnight but I just told myself that I could do that on the next morning.

19th Jan of last year, he called me at 715 informing me that he was going for a holiday to nearby destination. I said "dah sakit pun jalan Pa?", he answered , gelak gelak - "biasalaa :) "

And 15 minutes later, his number appeared again on my mobile- I picked it up only to be told that he collapsed and I better came where they were as soon as possible.

No matter how fast hub drove on that day- or even if I could fly and reach him in a second- I was still a second too late- timing Allah bila datang menjemput sangat tepat- sangat puntual- I will always be late no matter what.

At 4.30 on the same day, I saw him for the last time - bila kain kapan dimuka dibuka untuk tatapan terakhir, and that was last I saw his face close-up.  And he was gone. FOREVER. That was today  in the last year .

Al Fatihah

Dreams Three

Dad helped me moving around the furniture. The space is so huge. I saw two dining rooms and two living rooms. We were debating what to put where. It must be our new house. He was in his shabby attire. The one that he always wore when he worked in his orchad.

Ermayum ~ Hmm, nice meeting you dad, though I dont understand the relevant . Mau dapat rezeki lebih kah saya . InsyaAllah hehe


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Dream Two

Me : Hi dad ~ tight hug, sobbing and crying

Dad: ~ smilling

Me: Come stay with me like the old days

Dad: I cannot

Me: Why cannot? Last time can

Dad: I cannot - Last time different ~smiling

The hug felt real.

Children's Guilt

Salam Jumaat, today sharing :)
There is this one email that I read several days ago- menyentuh hati because there is a truth in it

I always know that as a daugther I have not done enough and be kind enough or be expressive enough with my parents.

Of course great relationship takes two to tango. If suddenly we want to hug and cuddle but we are never been treated with such acts, that kind of behavior are definitely foreign to us. It is certainly awkward for us. But on the other hand,  knowing that we have grown into  mature adults who know right from wrong, good from bad, we just have to put aside all those feelings and act more on what we think we want to - behaviours that reflects what our inner heart wants us to do. Put aside our ego. After all, life is too short, dont you think?. Too precious to waste. My guilt and my regrets because I dont hug or kiss my parents that often.

So what I do for that guilt? As what the email was saying :-
We, Children  visit their gaves as often as we can
We, children make sure their grave ditambah dengan batu quality baik dan mahal
We, children hantar hadiah ke masjid,  Quran, Telekung and Sejadah in their names
We, children upah and  hantar sedekah pisang every Friday
We, children buat kenduri doa selamat besar besaran and panggil orang doa for them
And worse if we , children yang banyak duit dan tak ada masa ni,  bayar pak Iman mintak doa and baca Yassin and tahlil tiap Jumaat dan tiap minggu.
And worse lagi, ada rasa sedih tengok nissan mereka berlumut. Rasa nak basuh batu nissan tu masa hari raya- siap nak bawa  berus dan sabun. But apalah gunanya, kalau sepanjang hayat mereka, kita tak pernah mandikan mereka kan (bila mereka sakit, particularly)
Tak perlulah juga, kita usap usap nissan mereka if semasa ayat mereka kita tak pernah nak usap kepala tua mereka kan, tak pernah nak urut mereka tak pernah nak picit mereka.

All these (good deeds) that we do for them partially maybe because of the guilt of not doing enough while they were alive.

Sadly, I feel like I have done some of the above for the same reason as well. And terasa rasa juga dalam hati that I try to pay off some of the debt of not being good enough or kind enough or patience enough with them

So here I am again - insan kerdil yang tidak mempunyai ayah dan ibu lagi, me who have done so much less semasa hayat mereka urge all my readers to take all the opportunity that you all still have - show them how much you love your parents. I suka peluk orang orang tua yang I salam lately - but I know that walau 1000 orang tua sehari pun I peluk and I kiss, they are not my parents. I blew off that much opportunity before. So  just hugs them, if you still have them - You dont need a reason to do so.

Sedih betul dengar lagi Sudirman ni-

Ayah dan ibu

Itulah permulaan kami

Dapatlah melihat bulan dan

Matahari

Ahai...

Yang dikurniakan dari Ilahi

Ahai...

Ayah dan ibu lah

Mesti dihormati

Ayah dan ibu

Wali dan juga keramat

Pada mereka kita beri hormat

Ahai...

Bagilah tunjuk ajar dan

Nasihat

Supaya hidup

Supaya hidup kita akan selamat

 

Ps:

tak payah lah upah upah orang baca doa, kerana yang lebih afdal adalah doa kiriman dari hati anak yang tulus ikhlas. That is enough for them actually. Bacaan yassin dari darah daging sendiri, hadiah pahala bacaan Al Quran dari alunan suara anak anak sendiri. And to spend the rest of our life with your best effort menjadi Hamba Allah yang lebih baik.

Siapa lah kita hanya hamba Allah yang kerdil. We make so many mistakes to ourselves, to our parents and to the people around us. Minta ampun lah hanya pada Allah setiap masa  dan berdoalah moga apa apa yang terkurang kita lakukan semasa hayat mereka telah mereka halalkan pada kita dan berilah mereka sebanyak banyak mana bekalan doa dari hati. Itu sahaja yang termampu- kerana walau air mata darah sekalipun keluar dari mata saya atau walau saya menyesal macam mana sekalipun yang mati tidak akan kembali.

And please kiss and hug our children every night and tell them that we love them so so much, so hopefully they do the same to us even after they all grown up, and dah beranak-pinak and till the day when we are one fragile old women.

Much love
Er Ma Yum

Nostalgic

I dreamt of my parents the other day. Pada waktu dhua saya tidur :) memang lah dream yang merepek but I got to see both of them. The roof got holes. So, he gave me Rm1000 for me to get it repaired. Banyak nya , duit raya ye hehe.  


A few months ago, I attended a cousin's wedding. While shaking hands with another cousin, she asked me, "Pak Lang mana? Tak datang ke?" I looked at her perplexedly and instantly she burst into tears when she remembered her ridiculous question. She said, "I feel like he is still alive". Hmm maybe he is aura is in me :)


And this morning, I go to a barber shop to give Qayyum a hair cut. But tengok ramai sangat orang, so I keluar balik. I was about to go to my car, when two guys asked me. "dik itu kereta you itu pak cik yg muka merah merah, rendah-rendah, gumuk gumuk punya kan?" I nod and ask why. Where is he? they ask me. "He passed away  last January", I said. They look stunned and said, "no wonder la tak nampak, dia suka lepak sini borak borak." I asked again, "why you ask for him? " Oh, dia baiki kasut woo, sudah lama tak ambil ". "Iya ke, takpala saya ambil now", I said. 


He gave me 2 pairs of sports shoes- so worn out and shabby but still in good condition lepas dijahit. Rasa sayu ja tengok kasut buruk tu. This is so him. He had many shoes but he never threw away the old ones - pakai sampai sehabis rabak. Sungguh sayang harta benda dan sungguh berjimat. Unlike me who just throw away shoes (and bags, and carpet and kipas and everything) yang terkoyak or haus tumit or whatever :). My dad used to tell me that I was too easy with things - do you know all that are money?, he asked  :), saya hanya mampu senyum kambing.


And hari ini saya senyum kambing lagi. I try my best to value things and money nowadays. I'll try my very best. :D (*senyum kambing yang lebar*)


ps:
To Syida gorjes who lost her father today. Takziah. Innalillah. Moga roh nya ditempatkan bersama sama orang orang yang beriman. Amin. Moga ayah ayah dan ibu ibu kita dirahmati Allah dengan kasih dan rahmat Nya .


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Sama X serupa

Salam

I went inside my parents' house yesterday, err not theirs anymore . It is my brother's now.

I come here often but never once I got in since my dad passed away. It has been 5 months. 5 short months. Sometime it feels like yesterday but at other times it feel ages ago considering so many things happen between then and now.

The outside of the house has been repainted with bright yellow colour with white frames. The inside has also been given my brother's personal touch. A bright orange colour on the doors' and windows' frames. A new gigantic grandfather clock for one . New furniture eh? Gone all the big size photo frames on the wall (my dad suka besarkan gambar sendiri :) ) semua dinding dia sahaja yang memosing and a little bit of our photos in between :). Gone all his mountains' photo, posing in the midst of cloud proudly.

Now there are only a few photos of him n my mum on the wall of the living room. Couple photo - photo berdua dua di sana dan di sini. The small-frames ones. And a few more on the tv cabinet (yang sebelum ini  tiada photo terletak disitu) and a few more on my brother's brand new huge fridge (yang sebelum ini juga tidak pernah ada photo disitu)
(where did u throw away the short-fat fridge?- 2 of them actually, satu berasap sokmo letak apa pun beku and another kureng sejuk letak ikan pun busuk ).

Where am I just now ? Yeah the photos of them. Them smiling, posing with thumbs up (my dad favorite's pose) or them waving to the camera, him berpeluk tubuh, her bercekak pinggang. Photo of them posing depan taj mahal, depan disneyland jepun, photo of him in china, indon, europe.

And my eyes welled and my heart cried the invisible tears.
And my heart digamit rindu yang sangat dalam dan kesedihan yang sangat pedih because the reality of them not being here (not in jasad anymore) hurts so deep.

And that night, all was coming back to me. All those final moments. I thought of them. The life that they have lived (dengan segala kekurangan masih boleh berjalan budget half of the globe - my dad with all his determination to see the world and to climb and conquer all mountains). I thought of  the life that they have given us and the life that they have left behind them and the life that they have left behind FOR us.Thank you Pa, Thank you Bu, Thank you.

And silently, in the middle of the night, my tears fell.
Love Er Ma Yum
ps: love them more and more now. Now. There is not much time.

To Bella (not Bella Swan) who lost her mother last Tuesday, and Nur Tulip who lost her father earlier this month, I feel you  girls. I totally feel you ** hugs**

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Selamat Sudah

Selesai sudah kenduri doa selamat and tahlil . Alhamdulillah. All went on well considering that it was the first large scale kenduri that I ever held in my house.

I purposely cater this time  because I dont have confident to cook for 150-200 people in my tiny kitchen. I dont have the right stove, pot and wok. I might be able to brave myself if I were to cook at my parent s' house. Setakat 70, 80- orang makan kacang bai tu hehe. But  150 and more people would be a record breaking numbers then :). There is a challenge there (ceh)

Anyhow, the dishes that I chose were, nasi minyak with ayam masak merah, gulai kawah and acar; I also order nasi putih with gulai nenas ikan masin and sambal belacan beserta ulam ulaman (syokkkkkkk :D). Oranges and bubur kacang durian as pencuci mulut. Seri Muka Erma :) and popia goreng sambal as kuih muih pencuci gigi :). Quite a spread kan. But yang menawan perut saya semestinya gulai nenas and popia goreng  bersambal (sempat lagi tuan rumah bedal popia one after another sambil layan tetamu tu)

Suprisingly, my kenduri became jejak kasih kawan kawan among the elders/seniors. Pakcik  yang duk sana sana, kenal pulak tuk iman masjid sinun walaupun dia pergi masjid lain (of different taman). My dad's close friend which I called Ustaz rupanya is an old friend of my neigbour (the caterer). Hmm what a small world. Only us (me and hubby) yang tak kenal orang hehe.

Untuk yang tak dapat hadir sila lah ambil berkat ye :). Mj salt and sugar, you dekat, awat you tak datang sob sob :)

Till later :)

Once A While

I dreamt of my mum the other day. Day time sleeping :). In the dream, I was actually telling myself that this was a dream so I better waste no time and hugged her. And I did exactly that. (Strangely, I was very much aware that I was in a dream). I woke up feeling relief.


And I had a sleepless night last Friday. Everything that happened feels like only yesterday yet at some other time it feels like it has happened ages ago. So long ago but then Q will only be 3 years next Wednesday. How could it be that long, I wonder. In Q's first year, he had both grandparents. He was a baby and care less about his grandma. During his 2nd year, he was big enough to play and laugh with his granddad. How so many things changes over the course of 3 years?. How things are much about the same now but at the same time different?. 


So a sleepless night it was. All were being replayed all over again on my mind. The last memory comes endlessly with all the tiny miny details. And all the comfortableness that they live behind for me. I wonder if I deserve it. And I wonder if I do enough to repay them. That is for me to keep thinking and doing my very best.


So it was not getting easier, they say. I know that. I thought of a friend who lose a husband. It must be tougher. Yes Mum and Dad is our soul but our husband (if we love them enough) are our life. Our love partner,our friend,our hugs and kisses. Imagining it only enough to send chills down my spine. I could not imagine it to be separated by death. It would be easier if we dont love  them much I guess :)


ps: 
So when I watched NKTM last Sunday. I feel them. Totally :( (sempat lagi tu :)).  


Hearing death or attending death (funeral) of others wont be the same until one's experiencing death of own spouse, parents or children. The latter is very much understated. Very very much. Spouse, parents and children are our anchors - losing them send us a different type of misery but it hits us with the  same magnitude of sadness . Too much too bear. Too much too cope. Yet because Allah is the greatest, we somehow manage. 


So dont wait until death do us part 

Pagi di Taman

Selamat berbadan batu. Alhamdulillah. Bersemadilah dengan tenang.

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Hari Lahir Yang Tiada

My dad would have been 68 years old today- if I were to follow his birth certificate date. He told me once that Apr 15th was a made-up date. His parents did not register him on time then and by the time when they registered him, they could not remember the exact date. I reckon that in the old days calendar was a privilege :)

with dina

Anyway, he is really gone, you know. I said so because
I dont feel him anymore
I dont feel scared to close my eyes
I dont feel scared to sleep with the light off
I dont feel scared being left alone in the kitchen with his room's door opened (not scared because he was there but scared if I somehow able to see him being there :))
I dont  "smell" him anymore or anything that associate with the dead- pandan, flowers, kemenyan etc
I dont imagine him sitting leisurely on the sofa or at the dining table anymore

87 days have passed.

I guess that his soul has flown away - so, so far away and for that is why I could not sense him.


Tanah kubur sudah mendap - so we can fence up his grave at the end of the month, insyaAllah.

with Acha and Q

Yes I do not visit you that often but I thought of you every day and I try my best to bring you a little token of gift dari bacaan ayat ayat Allah dan a little gestures to others on your behalf. I hope it reaches you (and my mum as well).


I hope that your grave are wide and bright enough just so that you can be comfortable in it (silly me?). And I pray hard that both of you (your souls) are at peace. I do believe that you drop by once a while (dengan izin Allah). I imagine that you are around, being with us during those special days, smiling, sitting just next to us though we could not see you, like those portrayed in the movies- silly me again huh?

I see you when I see you, in a dream maybe?  


Love Ermayum


ps: 
I sometime ask Mr Hub, "will you come visiting us after you die? (if ever you die first)" he said, "hmm tak tau lah ada masa ke tak, sibuk berperang dengan bermacam ulat dalam kubur sebab banyak dosa" what an answer, tak romantic langsung heheh. Patutnya dia answer - I will always be around my love - I will come day and night and I am just next to you every time you think of me" :D kan romantic gitu hahah :D. 
Hmm alam ghaib rahsia Allah - May our souls be blessed when our times arrive.

Till later have a great weekend semua :)

62 Days

Salam

Last Sunday marks 62 days my dad left the world - starting his new journey in the other world. I had a small group of people (marhaban group in my residential area) recited doa and tahlil both for him  and my mum. I include doa selamat as well that he planned to do if  he completed his shops. So kedai pun sudah siap, so I think I should just proceed like what he had planned.

semua makanan tunjuk

There were about 20 persons in the group (bila lah agaknya I nak join they all ni kan - yang semuanya akak akak yang sedikit senior dan ada juga makcik makcik - maybe I perasan I muda lagi tak sedar diri dunia kata pergi kubur kata mari ),  InsyaAllah, moga dibuka kan hati dan diberi kelapangan. They are fully booked on weekend, you know. They have invitation for almost every week and I have to book them a few weeks in advance - kena tanya minggu mana they all kosong macam tu . So bayangkanlah iye, pahala yang mereka kumpulkan setiap Sabtu dan Ahad hanya dengan berkumpul 2 jam melagukan zikir dan salawat. Makan free pun dapat  :), but I know that is not what they are after. Sedekah dari tuan rumah pun dapat - seikhlas hati untuk tabung persatuan marhaban kerana mereka tidak mengenakan sebarang bayaran

Ni two of my CUCU :) 

Hmm back to my main topic (melencung sokmo), I dont follow any specific days (40/44/100 etc) this time. Oramg kampung kata ikut hari, but buku kata tak perlu kira hari hari tu :). So I will just follow my heart. Some other people say, kalau terasa nak buat, buat sahaja. But since this is the first time, I buat dekat rumah I yang dapurnya kecil comel tu, I tak berani nak masak sendiri or jemput ramai ramai orang. I jemput juga jiran depan belakang and sedara mara. So ramai jugalah at the end but for them I jemput makan ja hehe. So meriahlah, anak cucu semua ada. (iya saya seorang nenek:))))

I hope that I would be able to hold this small group of tahlil selalu. And hopefully, the following month, I would be able to invite group lelaki pula but biasanya kalau jemputan lelaki dari orang orang surau, tahlilnya selepas isyak. Makanannya dinner dan bukan Hi-Tea yang macam I buat ni. InsyaAllah lah ye. Doakan :)

Till later

Where are you

A text messages between me and my brother:-


Him : Bila nak pasang batu nesan ?- dah 40 hari


Me: hmm nantilah nak settle something sikit. Tak lama dah, no need to wait 40 hari or 100 hari, esok esok aku calllah Pak Batu Nesan.


Him: Ko ada g kubur?, aku belum pergi


Me: Ada, dah 2, 3 kali, pesal tak pergi, pergilah pacak pacak pokok skit bagi redup. Lecak kalau hujan, kena letak batu biji sikit tepi tepi tu


Him: Tah, aku tak rasa macam dia dah mati. Rasa macam ada ja.


Me: *terkedu*


That exactly what I feel. He is somewhere and he will come back. Call me now Pa, I ll fetch you from somewhere.


I thought I am getting over this. My mood is period mood and I am a bit depressed and sad these few days. Hati didalam mudah terkecik disini dan disana :). And the fact that he does not exist anymore make me sad. That reality hurts. You know that somewhere, somebody can be away for a day, a month or a year and you dont mind if you dont see him or her. Because He is around but when you know with certainty that person just does not exist anymore in physical form, that brings in totally different feeling in you. I feel normal most of the time but when that feeling sinks in, it penetrates deep into my heart like a very sharp knife cutting through my entire being ;(,dealing with death is certainly not easy :(
ya Allah ya Allah show me the way and make me strong - Ermayum.

For the memories

More than 1 month has passed  since my dad passed away. I have still thought of him. He came to my dream again last week (the 3rd time). He came to my house and entered his room. I asked him, why are you here? you are already dead, :).


I dont take all these dreams seriously so far, because I know dari segi keadaan mimpi itu sendiri, it is just my longing, cuma mainan tidur, and mainan hati. They are all very vague and jumpy. I do hope that one of these days, I would be dreaming of my dad (and my mum as well) in a proper way, those dreams that feel so real and clear, and of course when they come in a good way, when they come smiling in white and haruman wangi semerbak. 


How I wish I dream that kind of dream just to make me feel calm and glad so that somehow maybe I would know that they are OK at the other side (as if the dreams itself conveying me a message). But that kind of dreams are very expensive to get. No price tag to it. No matter how much money I have, I wont be able to buy that kind of dream. 


These days, I drive his car. I put on his Police sunglassess :). He has this cute little radio with pen drive stuck to it. I bring it to my office so that I can listen to it. He used to bring this radio everywhere he went- when he was on a short trip, while working on his shops or while gardening. I used to help him transferring his favorite songs to the pen drive. His songs - mainly consists of hetty kos endang, broery, rafeah buang, dangdut :) and seangkatan dengannya. I have deleted most of them though because they are not to my liking :). 


All these things remind me of him. When I drive his car, a pang of sadness hit me. When I look at his favorite radio, I feel tears fall in my heart.  Tears that cannot be seen but felt to the centre of my deepest heart. I hope I can "cling" to those forever because he used them once so somehow touching all those "things" like touching the touch that he left behind. Similarly once a while, I put on my mum necklace or ring just to feel that "touch" - as if their left over touch (saki baki of them) are still around. Hmm so sad is it?, pathetic also I think :(, when you didnt touch them enough while they were alive and now you are so longing for their touch/ for you to touch them.
  
My brother takes his other car, his watch and his rings. And he uses them for the same reasons, I think, for the memories. 


We have distributed some of his clothes/shirts to his siblings and close friends. I am told that it is not good to keep the deceased things forever and ever, until they turn old and dusty in cupboard. Keep a few for the memories. Use some others and distribute/give away the rest.  


Apabila seseorang meninggal dunia terputuslah hubungannya dengan dunia dan segala isinya kecuali 1) amal jariah  2) doa anak yang soleh and 3) apa ye (sudah tidak ingat:), mood malas nak google). So if we keep his things, tidak mendatangkan apa apa kebaikan kepadanya yet if we use it and we know that his ihsan that we live in with, hopefully the good things that it brings us will also memberi balik sedikit kebaikan kepada yang empunya. Barang si mati yang disedekahkan kepada orang contohnya, hopefully menambahkan amal kebaikannya (orang yang telah meninggal dunia). Kerana sedekah untuk simati berterusan dan masih boleh diteruskan oleh anak anak. So I hope that I will not forget to do more and more of sedekah jariah (dalam kuantiti termampu) from my parents and hopefully kebaikan sedekah yang diniatkan atas nama mereka, sampai balik kepada mereka. InsyaAllah

Again, if you still have parents, kiss and hugs them often. This feelings are unbearably sad that you dont want to have at all :(. Dont be like me.

Wallahualam


I use some for the memory- I use some because I got to use them or else what they are for. But I always know that those are his and I must always say a prayer for him every time  I use them as I should say Thank You if he was still alive. Ermayum

ps: maya said  no 3 is ilmu - yes ilmu yang dimanafaatkan :d- thanks dear

They are OK

I smell kapur barus one time 
I smell pandan wangi around when there was no pokok pandan around.
I smell kemenyan around my house twice lately when I never smelled any before.


It is my imagination, is it?. I smell a lot of pandan wangi during the first week my mum passed away as well. I think it was my mere imagination or the fact that death had newly passed by. I would like to think it that way (so that I wont think yang bukan bukan or belief yang bukan bukan). I google a few things last few days- I would like share it later (as the link is in  my net-book) I would like to hold to that view and belief.


I have let my father go and somehow letting my mum go as well. I am more at peace nowadays. Moving on without feeling guilty.  If  before  I asked myself in silent why I was not around when my mum died, I have accepted that fact wholeheartedly now.


Hak Allah, perancanganNya tiada siapa yang boleh mengubah. Nothing to be sad of. Mereka kembali kepada Yang Menjadikan. Kepada yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang. Jasad yang kembali kepada tanah. Roh yang kembali kepada Penciptanya. Yang Maha Belas Kasihan dan Yang Maha Pengampun. I would like to think that they are more better off there.


I go through some (remaining) of his stuff at his room today (the one in my house). I still have his shirt, nicely hung on the wall with his distinct scent on it. I think it is about time I wash that shirt.


I will do that, I will change his bedsheets, I will send his comforter to dobi.
Somehow, I will eliminate all the scents that he left behind. Yet, I think that is necessary.


Ermayum
The facts that I have no parents AND not doing my best while they were alive still hurt and the pain will always be there. I hope I would be able to do more and more as long as I am still breathing and hopefully at the end of the day, on my last breath, I would do at least enough- just at least enough  to make up for my not doing enough all these while

Dream oh Dream

I dreamed of my dad again last night. Very vivid yet very vague. I patted him on his back and it felt like a very real touch.

It was the day before he passed away. He was suffocating. I asked him, 'are you ok?' and he said, ok ok. And then I woke up and realized that the person that I was holding was not him but Mr Hub.

The moment, I woke up, the dream became blur and I tried hard to remember it, was he smiling or was he not?

Dream oh dream , where are you, please come in my sleep and be as real as you can be.
Ermayum

Ps: mail2blogger post, from training center :D, break awaiting for lunch

I could sense you

When my mum passed away, I had troubled closing my eyes. I was scared if I close my eyes, I saw her. I dont know how to describe this feeling - it was not that I was scared, it was not that I was reluctant to see her, it was something else that I was unable to pinpoint.


Then, I slept with light on and I "kepit"  Mr Hub :) tighter and I prayed that I just somehow fell asleep. I had the light on because if I were in the dark, I could almost see her. And I did not want to be left alone downstair because I could sense her.Was I afraid? What was I afraid of? Bak kata my late dad, "biarlah kalau dia menjelma lagi bagus dapat kita berjumpa jumpa and bertanya khabar", but I just could not, I am not that strong, I am afraid if I would faint first, I am afraid if I would turn crazy or maybe I just dont know what I feel. It is just not a comfortable feeling - I am reluctant to admit  it as "aftraid"  because then I ask myself back, what am I afraid of? they are not ghost. They are my parents.


Sorry, I am just trying to articulate my feelings, you know. Do you get me? :) Maybe because I could sense her you know and the fact that she was no more alive - freak me out if I ever saw her  in this life.


And now I am in that phase again. I am afraid to close my eyes, I sleep with the light on and saya tidur diapit Qayyum and Mr Hub. I cannot sleep if I am sleeping alone, atau kurang pengapit. If Mr Hub balik lambat, I 'drag' the girls to sleep sebelah sebelah saya. And I cannot look at some of his photos. He is like staring at me alive. Dia suka besar besar kan gambar and gantung kat dinding. There are many of his photos in his room, all staring back at me. For the same reason, I just cannot make myself to be in his room alone.


Balik kampung tidur dirumah sana dan sinun and I still leave the light on. I am not ready to sleep in the dark yet.


The sad thing is once I got over this phase, I would feel normal and live normal. I would not be feeling "lesser" - lesser because I have lost partial of me. That a selfish feeling that I dont want to have. Even now, when I laugh, guilt come rushing over me. It has been only 3 weeks. Can I start laughing and somehow forgetting  the fact that  I have no parents? The truth is he was always going away, so it feels normal  to "feel' as if he is somewhere around.


I dreamed of him last night. Instead of kissing his forehead, I kissed him all over the face and his soul just stood next to me observing me kissing him. I terjaga and it was 3am, very vague dream though.


On the other hand, I know (deep in my heart) that I will never lose him in my daily life. Day and Night I would feel him because I live today with his love and "ihsan". Tq Pa


ermayum
060211


ps: my dad came across his mother masa dia buat haj- sekilas pandang and she was smiling. lagi sekali pandang dia hilang . Kalau disana terjumpa ok kot, so I hope and hope that I will see them again

The way I remember Him

He was not an easy man to deal with. His thoughts and principles set him apart from any other humans. Susah nak dikelentong and dikotak katikkan. Kalau bercakap dengan dia, memang confirm dia menang semua :). Rumah dia paling lawa, kereta dia paling cantik, orang lain punya tak lawa,  apa apa yang dia ada lah semuanya best, pendek katalah.


I realize now that he was what he was because that was how life had shaped him.


He was a tough man when he was young and I was always afraid the moment I asked anything, he would disagree and  he would raise his voice.  I always took his words seriously. I never dared to go against his words, never dared to lie and never dared to make excuse. Jangan bercinta, jangan ponteng, jangan mencuri and all sorts of other jangan. He was a father that any child would be scare of, you know. Bila dia tinggi suara ja dah nampak cam lion roars :)

On the other hand, he was a "sempoi" father yang tak payah protocol. I did not kiss his hands or hug him everytime I went to school. I did not have to speak to him with soft voice and careful politeness, Most of the time, we were like friends 'Bye Papa, G dulu Pa'. When he did not raise his voice reprimanding me (but actually he had a loud voice, and style dia cakap memang loud, kadang bila dia panggil I from afar, macam orang panggil sebab ada rumah terbakar:), gugur jantung I sekejap), I would be the one who had a higher note, 'mana buleh Pa, biar betulll'. We were "sempoi".


He was a man who valued experience and money. And he was a man who improved from nothing to something in phases berkat hardwork and patience and beringat. I remember how we started off as family, he was a mining labor you know, earning RM 3-5 per day. Life was a struggle. He made some extra income by tanam serai. A lot of serai at the backyard of our house. Why serai? sebab serai senang tanam, tak payah jaga and sekejab ja dah boleh cabut. He cleaned them all and sent to the wet market. And if musim durian, he bought 1 big bakul of durian and sold them as well. He rode a vespa then. Back and forth, back and forth between buruh lombong dan peniaga jalanan.


As his business stabilized, he quited his permanent job and meniaga sepenuh masa. One whole day at pasar. My mother would come in to help when he started to have another plan. Income was becoming better but he wanted more. So every day, he would ride a motorcyle from Sg Besi to Klang, with me accompanying him (I berdiri kat depan vespa tu) and in Klang, he built rumah sewa on my mum's land (nasib Atuk tinggalkan land). Hujan dan panas, everyday, without fail, he would ride his motorcysle to klang to complete 4 units of houses. Who will do such thing today ye? semua subcon kan :).
Hmm I remember one time tayar motor pancit and masa tu malam, jalan gelap, and I waited for him tukar tayar, takut you ada kubur cina kat federal tu kan :), masa tu boleh nampak kiri kanan kubur cina. I remember when we went back to klang buat rumah masa tu, we all selalu bawak nasi bungkus, sedap makan sebab penat. Dia penat bekerja, I penat bermain:).


Bila dah ada rumah sewa, life makin baik and my dad still wanted to improve. Selalu he told me. Duit kena cari even kalau besok nak mati. Duit kalau takda, hidup susah orang pun tak pandang. He bought a van dengan duit yang terkumpul and meniaga jadi double. Siang malam meniaga. Simple ja - jual pisang ja. Siang dekat pasar, malam dekat pasar malam.  Kalau tak pergi pasar malam, pergi beli stock pisang. I was always peneman yang setia,  di pasar malam I jadi tukang bungkus, jadi co pilot bila dia cari stock- semua ceruk kampung area Banting, Sepang, Denkil I masuk kebun pisang orang. During all those trip we talked and talked, cincai and sempoi just jangan cakap benda benda yang buat dia tertinggi suara sudah. Because then I would pout:)


Life was busy but very comfortable for us, his children. Makan lah nak makan apa. Belilah nak beli buku apa jangan membazir sudah. Walau kira orang bukan orang senang, jadilah juga senang. Dining out juga selalu, makan satay haji Samuri ja yang grand masa tu, cuti sekolah berjalan, habis satu Malaysia I berjalan masa kecik . Nak naik kapal terbang, terbanglah ke Medan, merasa lak kecik kecik naik kapal terbang. Zoo negara, muzium negara, laut and air terjun semua lah cuti sekolah mesti pergi.


Dari van ke lorry, dari rumah sewa papan ke batu dari satu ke dua, dari proton ke Honda, dari kerja  siang malam sampai tua dia masih kerja, siapkan rumah, menebas kebun, tanam pokok buah, meniaga burger malam (burger dialah yang paling sedap, banyak sos ands mayo), kerusi taman, invest in pakcik bawah pokok yang perlukan modal nak  masuk kedai etc.


He worked and worked and worked. And he valued money so much and he was very prudent.


He taught me about being susah and to earn and work for what I want. Yet, since I did not go through such a hard life like he did, I am not that prudent and he was always saying that I need to be more prudent and more and more :). And dia selalu kutuk I sampai I tak tahan sometime and malas nak melayan :). Kena kutuk kaw kaw dari kecik hati sampai dah malas nak berasa hati :)


When I allow my mind to drift to yesteryears, I realiaze now what he thought and taught. Life is not always easy. Dia pernah hidup susah so he reminded me. Everything is about money. Spend some, beringat some and be prudent and once a while indulge myself.  I think that what he was trying to tell me.


As I am writing this, I remember and I remember a lot of other things and it is all coming back to me. And I am in tears. I had a great childhood. Indeed, I did.


ps; vespa buruk tu ada lagi dalam store. what will I do with it?. He loved and treasured it so much