Numb and Mixed Feelings

I was in Kota Bahru when I received a phone call from my father that my mum had been admitted to a hospital - he said she was OK - just like any other admission to emergency room before - she was much better once Dr. put her on a drip - she was transferred to a normal ward that evening-

I asked my father is it still ok if I were to return home the next day  and he said OK.

I did not feel anything amiss. I just thought of it as another hospital visit- I thought I would see her on the next  2 days -

I thought of rearranging my schedule for the following week if she was still in hospital - I would need my maid to accompany her at night in the hospital- need to pick up the maid every morning at 6.00 am so that she could attend to my daugthers then need to send her back to the hospital in the afternoon  - then I need to visit my mum every day after work - so this means I have to skip going to my class -

I was thinking of the normal routine - I never thought all that were no more necessary- It never crossed my mind- it just never crossed my mind

The next day while I was busy preparing for lunch in my MIL 's house, I checked on my phone and there were many messages and missed calls. Instantly also there was another call coming from my untie asking me to return home right away- I was in Kuala Berang and no matter how fast my husband drove the car - we could never make it. -

I felt nothing - I was not shocked- I did not shed any tears - I didn't know what I feel

My father told me , he wanted to settle all as soon as possible as when he came back from hospital - all was ready- the grave, the Imam , the pengurus  jenazah - I told my father - please go ahead-

1 hour later in the middle of highway - I lose my focus and became restless and suddenly  I just wanted - I had to - I must - I must see my mother face for the last time- I sms to my sister, " can you snap one photo and mms to me" - she did try- but there were many elderly who thought that was an impossible thing - it is a taboo  

Is it too big favor to ask? Is it so cruel act if I just want to see her face for the last time - why we cannot use the available technology? I cried my heart out -but there were no tears came out- 

 I have to accept this - It was not meant to be - I were not meant to meet her on her last day - I was here every day but she went away on the day when I was very far away.

My relatives described her face to me- so clean- so serene - so chubby- gone all the wrinkles, the big scar on her face- gone all the scars  on her hands - no more thin - sad face- she looked as healthy as her face in her early 40s.  and they showed me one of the photos on the wall that almost resembled her face on the day she died.

I wish I was with you on that very day - I wish I see you for myself.

I did not cry the whole day and night- despite me being sad, I just could not make myself to cry

My tears fell only on the next day when I visited her grave - And my tears still fall now and then when I thought of her -