My last days

My last days with him

2010 raya with Atuk

Salam semua. 

Baru hari ni dapat mengadap PC - My mood would be happily sad this few days (weeks?:)) but writing what is going on in my heart and head is one of the best therapy to overcome my sadness, to rationalize yang tersurat and yang tersirat, to reminiscing good old days, to admit weaknesses and to improve my whole soul and self :) (hopefully lah ye)

We  generally) always know

Me for instance was fully aware and always knew that my dad was getting old  

I always knew that he wont be here long

I always told myself to spend more time when he was around 

I always  told myself to be more patient with him

But I never thought that his time arrived on last Wednesday

I should have felt it but I did not because rahsia Allah hanya Dia yang tahu and saya redha

I should have seen some of the signs because they were about the same as my mum's but I did not. And saya redha, rahsia Allah hanya Dia yang tahu

I should have know it when :-

> He was back at his house about one month before with reasons that he wanted to spend some time at rumah ibu (the fact that he missed his house should have telling me that he missed my mum and that was the first sign)

> He was on and off  going to clinic this month yet he kept telling me that he did not feel well - sihat but badan rasa tak sedap. 

 >He lose his appetite for the last two weeks. But last Sunday, he loved jagung that I bought from night market, mee bandung that I bought from the stall last Monday,  and he loved Zarin apple crumble :)

>He was staring blankly into the air when I talked to him and he had the expression that my mum had in her last few days - you know looking so lost and old and powerless and weak like this is it

My heart skipped a beat each time each scenario happened but I dismissed it. Because it is a very tiny miny feeling that come for one split second and then gone - I dont have time to think or dwell on it. Maybe sebab hati saya rabun :),  penuh dengan macam macam perkara remeh dunia yang lain that I chose not to see

If only I pay extra attention 

if only I do this and that. 

If only 

if only 

if only and I am crying now 

with 2 orang anak angkat and cucu

Do you know what my friends?

>no matter how close (or distance) your relationship with your parents- when they are gone - part of you is gone, 

>no matter how much good deeds that you do to your parents it would never be enough- and you are left with feeling of not doing enough - 

so DO MORE 

more money if you have extra

more time to entertain small talk

more urutan pada kaki and pada kepala 

more hugs 

more kisses

more mengambil hati buy favorite food, favorite drink, 
or anythings (it does not have to be expensive) that show them you thought of them

Do more and more and more

because when they are gone MORE is NEVER enough 

love ErMaYum

ps: 1
it is my conscience that I got to clear, bear with me
ps:2
if I can feel this bad, imagine how one who do not have good bonding/term with his or her parents, they would feel 1 million times worse, I can guarantee. So let's hope that my dearest readers semua are not one of those who have parents but chose to ignore them or chose to be mad at them. Love them now, be good be nice be patient, today maybe their last day.