'Feel' the elderly

Kit is sad thinking of her dad- I understand what she feels – but ‘understand’ when it is not us who are actually experiencing it, is really an understatement-


As I told Kit in the comment column, we are only ordinary human being – hamba Allah yang lemah – yang serba kekurangan, yang kerdil yang berdosa- who are always beaten up by our own bad traits and weaknesses- but as long as we never give up and make ways to be a better us than it is ok – I can live with that-


A case in point is me- I loss my mother – and I never get over my guilt of not doing enough- by not being a good daughter enough – a loving daughter enough- never kiss or hug her enough- never attend to her care enough – Now and then, I was in a never ending battle with my inner self – maybe I have not let go – maybe I have not come to term to the fact that - no matter how guilty I feel – thing has happened – she is dead. Nothing that I can do to make it otherwise.

Instead, I should learn from what happen – I still have a father to attend to – to do what I want or need to do  (that I think I did not do enough to/with my mum) –


If only things can be that easy – if only I do not forget the fresh feeling of LOSS – the horrible painful feeling –


But as manusia yang selalu alpa – I forget. Sometime the feeling comes creeping in and I ignore it. That is a norm- we ignore it until it is too late…..


My dad leaves his big house and his comfortable bedroom for sleeping in a small room at my house. - He goes back to his house during the day- do whatever he wants to do  – tidy up his store, cleaning up his shop , watering his flowers, attending to his orchard. He returns to my house in the evening –I think he just does not want to sleep or to go home to an empty house at the end of the day–  he got his own guilt and loss to deal with I guess- 40 years of living together does mean something  to a person.

Yet, his presence at my house was just like my mum presence before – a sense of dejavu? Yes we do talk sometime- 10 minutes chat here and there - about my day or his day but there are times when I just too caught up with my life – there are days when I do not see him at all – he come back at 9pm and I am already upstairs (trying to get my children to sleep, or me reading and blogging) and morning time when I am in a rush – I cannot even say, 'hi Pa'- while he is there in the kitchen- busy preparing his breakfast.

This is exactly what I did with my mum when she was staying/spending her time at my house.-  until when she was no more here – then I realize it is not the same – she was 'here' before and I acted so casually ( I do not seize the moment)  and when she was no more here-only then I feel  her presence - so ironic isn't it ?

I know I will feel the same again when my father‘s time arrives


And today he asks me, ‘’ if I remain single – not re marrying- will you take care of me when I am sick and helpless old man or will you just leave me lying on my bed helplessly?’ I am shock to hear that but still  able to appear nonchalant-(how could he just shoot that kind of question while we are having coffee talk?)

Jokingly he continued , “ takut papa terlantar bergelumbang taik takda sapa peduli’- of course I will not do that (selagi I tak lupa daratan insyaAllah) – and I answer him – of course not – yes maybe I am unable to be here all the time because I have to work but I will make sure there is person to take care of you when  I am not around.

And as if  to clear the air and to dismiss his worry, I told him nothing to worry - he is just overacting- I said, 'you ll be fine - you wont get sick or become bedridden (I am not sure if my words are more towards consoling him or me)


But today I see it clearly- I see his fear  (and my fear as well). Fear of dying alone- fear that I ll leave him unattended.

ps:
That is everybody fear I guess- single friends are afraid that they grow old and die alone- but those with spouse or many children do not guarantee anything either. We may still end up alone - have anybody seen any Rashid Sibir drama :)- pondok buruk etc - is that only happening in movie?

This was written before Ana run away  and today I am lucky as my father is willing to stay in during the day to look after my children - temporarily before I find a new 'Ana'. Yes I am lucky- always-