Thinking Back

a long life journey ahead

I think that I am getting my normal self back :D. The me who is worry free and the me who talks non stop, the me who like to tease people or the me who is the first to start a conversation. But maybe I am not :D. Maybe I would like to change. Maybe I like the reserved me :).


When I turned quiet, people around me got curious. Because when I was worried, I tend to switch into my reserved mode. A friend asked, 'what is up with you?'. Instead of replying that I am worried about Mr Hub, I just say, half-jokingly, 'oo this is my new resolution, to be quiet and more reserved'. And she said, 'Aah that is too late already as it's already  mid year' :). Some others said nothing, ignorantly being oblivious or don’t want to care.

My face is very reflective of what I am feeling. It is just me. I cannot laugh out loud if I am not happy. Just like I cannot force myself to write something that I don’t feel. Even if I write about other people stories, I need to feel it :) (macam penyanyi la pulak).


No, I was not moody. It was just me. I got so many things on my mind. So I spoke less unless if it was really a necessary. But I am not going to bite you if you say hi or if you ask me questions. Some other 'friends' do not even utter any words, so we fell into an unspeakable silence. As if all this while I was the one who had carried the friendship's torch and now the wind has come its way and put it out; and nobody cares to re-light the fire. That thought makes me sad.:(. It hurts. Why? Because I thought they are my true friends. A friend who is concerned by another friend unhappy's face, will ask right?. An acknowledgment will be good.

And those who shows their concern should be careful also :) Bukan sebarang acknowledement though. I don’t ask for a sympathy but I do ask for a bit of understanding and sensitivity. That is all. Dont ask me, 'ko naper sedih lagi? Dont say, 'apa risau yr hubby da dekat rumah kan baik la tak lama lagi', or 'nak risau apa, semua insurance bayarkan', dont say, 'ala keta rosak 3 ribu ja kan' or 'beli ja kereta baru'.

I am not sure if I have turned into a sensitive person or over sensitive or those remarks are really nothing. But it just got me. It got my bad day turn into a worse day. The remarks uttered were not helpful at all.


Oh yes, I got thousand of things to do and to worry. My normal life has now changed. On top of being a mother, a friend , a wife, a daughter, now I am also the sole driver, part time nurse and also a tukang urut :). My day was about rushing here and there, school, hospital, clinic, and work. My face cringed every time I saw the wound. My heart ached every time my hubby said that his leg was numb or painful. I was worried. There are so many things for me to worry. Tomorrow, next month, next operation or even next year.


Yes, I understand that I am not the only one with problems. Other people have problems as well. And maybe, theirs are worse. No money, no spare car, no father, no job. I got it. I do. I am sorry for having that face but I cannot help it. So bear with me. I try hard to pull myself together. Just don’t say anything if saying means nothing.

Do not get me wrong. I don’t blame anybody either. I was one of them also at one point of my life. I do not think when I speak. If any, all that happened teaches me to be more sensitive of others. To be more pitiful, to be more helpful, to be more understanding of other people problems, and of course to be more forgiving. I want to forget and forgive and move on. And I hope that I am forgiven as well for being so ignorant or insensitive during their hard time before.

I know now, more than what meets the eyes. People who ask about you without wanting to know the truth, or even worse, those who ask you without waiting for your answer. Yes, they are/were a few kind souls who acknowledge your difficult moment, take time to look at you in the eye and say one or two encouraging words. Putting aside sincerity and insincerity, I appreciate it. Yet, I welcome all. This is the world as real as it can get.


I do wonder. If death can bring us closer and make us be extra sensitive and choose the right words to say, why a life tragedy with no death involves, we fail to behave in the same way? I have been in that situation before when I felt that I had so many true friends yet the last few weeks, I feel so alone. Maybe I dont have that many of 'friends' and there is nobody to blame but myself :(.  Not only a circle of friends, but how about people that I call relatives, and the neigbours as well. This is the modern life. Where what matters are only our life and not others. This is the fact of a bitter reality.

but life is not that bad

Those people who give me nice encouraging words now and then, who call and sms me or even those who leave me comments on FB, please know that you have made my heavy heart feel very much lighter. Though your numbers can be counted, I am happy because at least I know who you are.

That is always the case isn’t it? Kawan menangis sedikit sangat berbanding dengan kawan bergembira?. A thought for me and for you to ponder….. whatever it is “alhamdulillah”. I take it all in one whole stride, I forget the pain, I forgive the obliviousness and in return please forgive me as well.