When tears fall

Losing a mum or losing a dad pedihnya sama - losing a child or losing a husband, I could never have  imagined but I believe pedihnya sama - pedih yang sangat sangat pedih yang tak terungkap dengan kata kata. Pedih pada hati dan jiwa


It creates one big hole in your heart.  All other things disappear into another background/dimension - all other feelings go numb- yang ada cuma rasa pedih dijiwa yang paling dalam. At times,  you feel Ok, yet at other time you are not OK. Tears suddenly well up and come streaming down your face and you cry in silence
Perut rasa kenyang, you only realize that you are hungry when you body feels weak and starts shivering, when knees and legs go limp. Makan is seakadar melapik perut since you dont feel hungry or full.
Sleep is harder. Every time you close your eyes, you see him/her, how they look and how they smile, 
Mind starts asking why and what if and if only


How to make it Ok? how to stay OK?  how not to blame one self? how not to asking why? and how not to deal with if only? how and how
I dont have the exact answers but this is what I do


I take a deep  breath and  make it a conscious effort - and every time the sadness comes, I remember this - at this very moment my dad or my mum - is the closest to me in distance (and in my heart) - he/she is just right there observing me and that thought is just enough to make me stay strong. They are here


And do you know what I do? I do it because I have no other ways of dealing with my sadness. I give them a present dari hati - I give them al fatihah 1, 2,3,4,5 as many yang termampu sampai tiap baris meresap ke dalam jiwa dan hati, I say it with my mouth, I say it with my heart and my mind- I recite and recite and somehow it gives me a strength that I never imagine I posses, it makes my tears stop, it calms me - maha suci Allah, hanya engkau yang kami sembah and hanya engkau tempat kami meminta pertolongan - please please make me be strong, please please I beg and I beg tuhan yang maha pengasih dan maha penyayang - sebesar besar universe with all the the millions of cakerawala and solar system sebesar besar alam with segala angkasa raya - besar lagi kasih sayang Allah- yakin lah , Allah loves who is going and Allah loves who is still living


and whether it is true or not, I want to believe that those who have left,  are still here- visiting us in a while, in our dream in our awake (when we thought of them ), bulan puasa, malam jumaat or whatever day. 


I recite and I pray and I recite every time the sadness come. And I pray to Allah, I beg from him asking that it reaches my parents - walau I bukan anak yang soleh but I beg and I beg from Allah because I know Dia sangat murah dengan kasih sayang dan belas kasihan - I minta dikasihanni, ya rahman ya rahim please  please make it reaches them - supaya somehow their soul mendapat sedikit kesejukan, kedamaian di sana 

So my dear, if you have lost a parent/s or a child or a husband, there is nothing more precious than giving them hadiah doa dan ayat ayat Allah, paling kurang Al fatihah.

Wallahulam  

When the sadness come, I read and read with tears in my eyes and somehow I manage to fall asleep, with tears stain on my pillow

Ermayum