When my mum passed away, I had troubled closing my eyes. I was scared if I close my eyes, I saw her. I dont know how to describe this feeling - it was not that I was scared, it was not that I was reluctant to see her, it was something else that I was unable to pinpoint.
Then, I slept with light on and I "kepit" Mr Hub :) tighter and I prayed that I just somehow fell asleep. I had the light on because if I were in the dark, I could almost see her. And I did not want to be left alone downstair because I could sense her.Was I afraid? What was I afraid of? Bak kata my late dad, "biarlah kalau dia menjelma lagi bagus dapat kita berjumpa jumpa and bertanya khabar", but I just could not, I am not that strong, I am afraid if I would faint first, I am afraid if I would turn crazy or maybe I just dont know what I feel. It is just not a comfortable feeling - I am reluctant to admit it as "aftraid" because then I ask myself back, what am I afraid of? they are not ghost. They are my parents.
Sorry, I am just trying to articulate my feelings, you know. Do you get me? :) Maybe because I could sense her you know and the fact that she was no more alive - freak me out if I ever saw her in this life.
And now I am in that phase again. I am afraid to close my eyes, I sleep with the light on and saya tidur diapit Qayyum and Mr Hub. I cannot sleep if I am sleeping alone, atau kurang pengapit. If Mr Hub balik lambat, I 'drag' the girls to sleep sebelah sebelah saya. And I cannot look at some of his photos. He is like staring at me alive. Dia suka besar besar kan gambar and gantung kat dinding. There are many of his photos in his room, all staring back at me. For the same reason, I just cannot make myself to be in his room alone.
Balik kampung tidur dirumah sana dan sinun and I still leave the light on. I am not ready to sleep in the dark yet.
The sad thing is once I got over this phase, I would feel normal and live normal. I would not be feeling "lesser" - lesser because I have lost partial of me. That a selfish feeling that I dont want to have. Even now, when I laugh, guilt come rushing over me. It has been only 3 weeks. Can I start laughing and somehow forgetting the fact that I have no parents? The truth is he was always going away, so it feels normal to "feel' as if he is somewhere around.
I dreamed of him last night. Instead of kissing his forehead, I kissed him all over the face and his soul just stood next to me observing me kissing him. I terjaga and it was 3am, very vague dream though.
On the other hand, I know (deep in my heart) that I will never lose him in my daily life. Day and Night I would feel him because I live today with his love and "ihsan". Tq Pa
ermayum
060211
ps: my dad came across his mother masa dia buat haj- sekilas pandang and she was smiling. lagi sekali pandang dia hilang . Kalau disana terjumpa ok kot, so I hope and hope that I will see them again
10 comments:
kak erma...
i dream of my dad once, over the past 4 years
i mimpi yg die dtg exactly at the spot yg i tdo..i terus cium tgn die sambil menangis..die senyum n ask me knape menangis..tak terkeluar ayat dr muluti yg nak ckp ..i menangis sbb i rindu sgt pd die !! lepas tuh terus i terjaga sambil menagis..
i'm sooo long of an other dream wth my ayah..Ya Allah even writing this i feel lump in my throat
sedey nyerr baca citer kak erma dpt cium pipi ayah ..
paham mcm mn rasa nya. sama ms kehilngan arwah nenek dulu. tido mlm mesti terang n ada pengapit. kalu tak, tak blh nak lena...mmg ambik masa kan :(
ai pon tatau nak describe cemana..when my dad meninggal, ai pon dapat rasa ape yang u rasa.. adakah i hepi or i takut? bila fikir gitu, istighfar bebanyak..sebab kekadang sampai tak leh tidur sebab ai was teringat ringat..ai rasa kalau kita kehilangan org tersayang mesti akan face gitu..
ai pernah dengar..orang kata kalau mimpi arwah senyum, maksudnya bahagia di sana..wallahualam..insyaAllah semoga dia tenang dan berbahagia di sana..aminn
mungkin hati masih terlalu sukar menerima kehilangannya...doakan kesejahteraan dia.
misbehave sabarlah dear, he is with you always :), i heard that every friday parents come visiting children as long as children are still alive, when we give alfatihah they will go back smiling you know, recite triple for him k :D *hugs*
joy iye ambil masa sedikit kan
nanie iye i hope i dream of them smiling one day - not easy to get a dream you know:C
ghostwriter i think so , if i totally let go , i wont be feeling this way i think
Give yrself some time k dear.. Sblm ni u tinggal with him so bila dia pergi mesti terasa kehilangannya kan.. Kita sedekahkan Fatihah banyak2 untuk yg telah pergi k..
lady thanks :) insyaAllah i hope so and doing and getting over it without feeling guilty to live happily
u just lost him..mesti ade rase mcm tu (i tau i tak penah feel mcm tu sbb tak penah lagik lost which i pun tak ready kalau kene kat i) tapi..insya Allah one day, u'll be used to it..seeing him in dreams maybe boleh buat u lega sket sbb i know u miss him a lot..recite Al-Fatihah byk2 k:)again..take care kak..
ermayum, i thot i was d only one experience bende tuh,in fact i sampai berubat. mcm tulah i rasa bila my arwah mom meninggal. No words to describekan. my mom died in her sleep at home, and i was sleeping next to her...:(( Bila teringat tuh, isgtihfar, & sedekahkan la Al-Fatihah byk2 ye dear....
maya thanks dear
rina alahai Rina your experience lagi hard to imagine but you truly get that feel kan -*hug* dear
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