They are OK

I smell kapur barus one time 
I smell pandan wangi around when there was no pokok pandan around.
I smell kemenyan around my house twice lately when I never smelled any before.


It is my imagination, is it?. I smell a lot of pandan wangi during the first week my mum passed away as well. I think it was my mere imagination or the fact that death had newly passed by. I would like to think it that way (so that I wont think yang bukan bukan or belief yang bukan bukan). I google a few things last few days- I would like share it later (as the link is in  my net-book) I would like to hold to that view and belief.


I have let my father go and somehow letting my mum go as well. I am more at peace nowadays. Moving on without feeling guilty.  If  before  I asked myself in silent why I was not around when my mum died, I have accepted that fact wholeheartedly now.


Hak Allah, perancanganNya tiada siapa yang boleh mengubah. Nothing to be sad of. Mereka kembali kepada Yang Menjadikan. Kepada yang Maha Pengasih dan Maha Penyayang. Jasad yang kembali kepada tanah. Roh yang kembali kepada Penciptanya. Yang Maha Belas Kasihan dan Yang Maha Pengampun. I would like to think that they are more better off there.


I go through some (remaining) of his stuff at his room today (the one in my house). I still have his shirt, nicely hung on the wall with his distinct scent on it. I think it is about time I wash that shirt.


I will do that, I will change his bedsheets, I will send his comforter to dobi.
Somehow, I will eliminate all the scents that he left behind. Yet, I think that is necessary.


Ermayum
The facts that I have no parents AND not doing my best while they were alive still hurt and the pain will always be there. I hope I would be able to do more and more as long as I am still breathing and hopefully at the end of the day, on my last breath, I would do at least enough- just at least enough  to make up for my not doing enough all these while